The employee handbook

Section 1 — Hours

The office opens when a grown-up taps and closes when the office decides. At nine minutes the lights dim. This is policy, not a malfunction. Waking the screensaver buys exactly two more minutes; the clock is gentle, but it is not negotiable.

Section 2 — Compensation

Paid in paintings. The exchange rate is excellent.

Section 3 — Equipment

One keyboard, provided by Facilities. Every key works. None of them can break anything. IT has confirmed this is the entire threat model.

Section 4 — Screen-time policy

This office observes mandatory clock-out. Performance reviews are issued at the door, and they carry real numbers: a review that says 212 presses means exactly 212, never “lots.” HR rounds nothing.

Section 5 — Promotion track

Everyone is promoted. Alternation applies in two-employee households. HR does not take appeals.

Section 6 — The door lock

While the office is fullscreen, Chrome holds keys like Escape so small hands stay inside. Holding Escape for two seconds opens the door anyway — for tall employees only. Cmd+Q remains above HR’s pay grade.

Section 7 — Data

We do not collect any. We do not know your child exists. HR has confirmed this is intentional. The long version lives at privacy, and it is shorter than you expect.

Section 8 — Resignation

Close the company any time, from the front desk. Everything is erased from this machine, because it never lived anywhere else.